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December 03, 2007

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Bill Heavey: Heidi Klum Loves Your Forkhorn

I’ve spent a fair amount of time in two spots this year: the woods and our nation’s airports. I’ve seen a good many deer and many more people. There are two things that must of us fixate upon that I’ve hardly seen at all: super bucks and super models.

There’s a reason for this, of course. Both are scarce as hen’s teeth, freaks of nature. But if you look at the covers of magazines pitched at hunters, or at women interested in fashion, you’re going to see one or the other. I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with this picture.

A born super model , according to Lauren Hutton (who, if you’re old enough to remember, could do some awfully nice things to a swimsuit), has a small head, a perfectly symmetrical face, superior bone structure, and a certain kind of proportioned body. “They are very rare creatures,” Hutton says, “maybe one in ten thousand.” A super buck, one with an abnormally large hunk of calcified deciduous tissue atop its head, is probably even more rare.

We all dream of one or the other (or, in some cases, both). But when you start to take the dream too seriously, things head south. And pretty soon you’ve got millions of women who feel  bad about themselves because they don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret girl,  and millions of hunters who feel like they don’t measure up because they haven’t killed a 200-inch buck.

Let’s stop the madness. There are places where that deer may be a honker, and there are places where a 2-year-old six-pointer is as good as it’s going to get.

If you got a deer this year, congratulations. You succeeded. And as long as your wife or girl friend doesn’t look like David E. Petzal in a diamond-studded thong, she’s probably a keeper, too.


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Blue Ox

Petzal in a thong?! You just HAD to go there, didn't you?


Dear Mr. Heavey,

Our firm represents "jack", a frequent commenter at various posts on this website. On or about 1130 hours on December 3, 2007, our client was reading your post "Heidi Klum Loves Your Forkhorn". At the conlusion of your article, our client was given into an uncontrollable fit of "coffee spew", the collateral damage of which resulted in the excessive staining and/or loss of valuable documents, fine clothing, some so-so carpet and his computer keyboard. We respectfully request that you forward payment to 'jack' in the amount of $15.86 to replace his keyboard.

We also ask that future posts by you contain warnings or disclaimers such as "Not Safe For Work" when such posts contain graphic descriptions that are likely to horrify or otherwise cause revulsion, disdain or nausea.

Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.

bill heavey

bummer about the coffee-spew. check is in the mail.

blue ox,
every once in a while, it's important to go for the easy, obvious target. at the moment, however, i can't remember why.

Charlie Sierra in VA

Thanks Mr. Bill

I hunt the GW national forest and had managed to kill some decent bucks over the last four years. This year, my luck ran out. I realize the season isn’t over in VA, but it is for me, as I have no access to private land and no vacation time left. I finally had to give up and kill a buck that I wasn’t especially proud of or go deerless.

I’ve have been kind of down about the way this season went but, I was consoled quite a bit by this blog- and even more by the taste of very tender blackstrap fresh off the grill.

Well I've gotta story for you guys. A couple of years ago, I was hunting a remote area in the cental UP of Michigan. I was just cresting a steep hill very slowly trying to peak over the edge in case there was a wall hangar on the other side. I just about swallowed my tongue and yelled for mamma when I met face to face with the hottest huntresses whose dad owned a camp a couple miles from ours. All I could manage to utter at the time was to ask her how it was going. "Stupid idiot!" I muttered to myself. Fortunately for me a ran into her at Andy's Seney Bar a day later. I swear to God she was so hot traffic came to a stand still on that stretch of M-28. Well, there is a lot more to the story with what happened that night. Stay tuned. Actually, pick up an issue of next month's Penthouse for the whole story.

as moeggs

Thats my deer hunting/ model story.


Bill H. in a thong?!

Egads and little fishes!

Thought I had the answer one time. She even agreed to go hunting with me!
"WOW!" I thought, "Gorgeous, and likes to hunt!"
When I went to pick her up, she had on bright yellow earrings the size of egg yolks, pink hot pants, brightly colored argyle knee length socks and yellow open-toed sandals. We probably could have gotten by with the clothing if she hadn't drenched herself in "Dude Attracter No. 9".

P.S. Only one this year, a doe during primative arms. At least I won't go hungry!

Farmer Ed

Just remember Bill, looks are just that. You work hard to get your deer and your woman and you should be satisfied, not at what is going on just on the other side of the fence but what's in your own yard.


Mr. Bill Heavey.

Another great read.

Just finished your book an loved it. Made me laugh at loud and nod in agreement several times. I loved it so much I wrote a review on it at the site I write for. Encouraging everyone to buy it

R. Wayne Moorhead

Still reading & laughing. You are a master "word smith." There is no room in your life for a family as few modern day females would tolerate it. Today's women are too self centered & selfish to let a man "do his thing" & enjoy the satisfaction of seeing him become a hero.

Don M

Your "Not the Same" article in the Dec.- Jan issue was right on target, it pretty much said it all.

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