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December 24, 2007

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Bill Heavey: Blowin' in the Wind

I check the weather on the Web about eight times a day, usually www.weather.com, sometimes www.weatherunderground.com, although it has a more cluttered layout. I do this whether I’m able to hunt that day or not. I like to know what I’m missing. First I check wind direction, then speed. I can hunt almost any wind (if you detect the defensive smugness of a guy who owns no hunting land but compensates by rubbing his extreme mobility in your face, you’re reading me perfectly). Like most of us, I like some wind - say, 2-6 m.p.h. - better than none to keep scent from “pooling.” And I know the local deer don’t move much when it blows more than 10 m.p.h.

But the winds are so screwy where I hunt that I wonder why I check the forecast at all. My grounds are incised by steep ravines between narrow ridges, and I often set up in a saddle downwind of a crossing trail. (Incidentally, from the tracks I’ve seen in snow and wet leaves, the “expert” advice about deer being just like us and preferring the easiest route between points is just plain wrong. I see lots of evidence of deer taking the steepest route from one ridge to another. Maybe they read the magazines, too.)

Yesterday morning I set up 30 yards from a house. Although the forecast was for northwest wind, the air wafting steadily by my stand was from the southeast. Then, about 8 a.m., white smoke from a just-lit fire in the house’s woodstove began sluggishly puffing from the chimney. Obedient to the contrary rules of the universe, it came straight at me, swept along by the called-for northwest wind. There I sat, at nearly the same elevation at the chimney and just 90 feet away, watching my Wind Checker powder drifting in one direction and smoke going in the other.

I sat there until I realized the smoke was making me sick and then climbed down. I know that the forces at play in the atmosphere of this planet are unconcerned with indidivual humans, neither rewarding nor punishing us. But for just a second there, I wondered if I’d done something that really ticked them off.

If you know something I don't, please tell me.


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bill t

bill i use accuweather and it gives you hour by hour forcast with speed and direction. I check it as often as you do and get the same results. What i end up hoping is that the deer that take the hardest route (because they read magazines also) pick up the issues that tell them not to move when its windy and hope for the best. but this morning for me no one moved 15-20 mph winds from the west just like the computer said. Maybe you could help us all and write an article for deer that tells them to be attracted to middle-age balding men in tree stands with camo on and we wont have to worry about this wind stuff so much.


Dearest Bill,

The following is a formula that an aquaintance of mine passed on to me while camped in a gale near Flo, Texas!

You must start by squaring the wind speed and dividing by two unless the dividend is even, in the case of an even dividend, divide by three and wear blue boxer shorts. If you have no blue boxers, then you must use an odd caliber, ergo: .277 instead of .308. With blue boxers, the caliber must be even, unless of course, you happen to be bow hunting. You must then convert your arrow diameter to caliber, cube and divide by four! And don't let the blue boxers fool you, not just any shade of blue will do, it must me "Royal" blue!
Once this has been established, one must then find the stability of the local tap water using the Langlier Index! Oh, dear! My computer is running out of ink! Sorry, but it looks like I must go before revealing the remainder of the secret of how to cross-dress in a hunting wind!

Merry Christmas Bill



P.S. Bill,

(I just refilled my computer with ink!)
The above referenced formula only applies to helical winds from the SSE at a speed of 47.2 to 61.8 knots only. (It's the only one he had worked out at that time!)


Blue Ox

Blue boxers will work in a pinch, but briefs with little rocketships all over them works best where I'm at. You also gotta make sure to miss at least one belt loop, and have one sock inside-out.


I wondered who that wild man was!
Did you get the part about the sub-axis and applying the thermo-coupling to the frockle housing?
I had a little trouble with the housing, but with the application of a dab of K-Y, I was able to slip within 438 yards of a single horn spike before being busted!

P.S. A Delco-Remy hose clamp with extended spiral works wonders in holding the gill-flert in place until the glue dries!

Blue Ox

Wait wait wait! The book of armaments says the gill-flert goes behind the dooflinkie! You can leave the frockle housing in the truck, but put the sub axis in your pocket, or it will discombobulate. Toss the thermo-couple, and make the shot standing on one foot. As soon as you're in range, start twitterpateing right away or the shot will be fuggled. (Don't forget to stand on one foot!)


There you have it Bill!

Me and Ox got it sorted out for you.
Although Ox is a tad misinformed, you must have the thermo-couple to gill-flert the sub-axis, BUT, once that is accomplished, the thermo-couple can be left in the pick-up! Good point there Ox!


Blue Ox

You forgot to flip the numerator! Just bring some stink-be-gone, and you won't have to worry about what the wind is doing.(Unless you get blown out of the tree and you break your frockle housing.) If that happens, don't squeeze the Charmin.


Some things I now know - I am not the only one who checks the weather throughout the day, not that I feel any more normal because bh does it as well.

My home overlooks a small lake which sits in a "bowl" ringed by mature hardwoods I am fequently mystified when the willow branches on one shore move in the opposite direction of those across the lake - as if the air in the 'bowl' was swirling. My best wind direction indicators are the geese, who prefer to face the wind.

Also, having just clicked over from amazon.com, I see that a certain book is ranked #1 in the category of "Hunting and Fishing".



C'mon jack,

Look at the blogs above; you don't have your gill-flert calibrated with the thermo-frockle! Properly aligned, they will promptly detect wind swirls of a least 3:12 pitch!

P.S. I just knew there would be a dummy somewhere that just wouldn't understand Ox!


Much of my wind detection ability is built upon olfactory senses - I tend to shy away from all the techno-gadgets.

1. If it smells like horse crap - then the wind is from the south (neighbor's barn)

2. Smells like Christmas - west wind across the pine woods.

3. Smells like dog crap - then wind is from the east - neighbor's five springer spaniels. {2 of which are good hunters - the other 3 are spastics - unless you want your hound to chase and point butterflies)

4. Smells like oak smoke - it's a nor'easter from the other neighbor's chimney.

5. Smells fresh - outa' the north, nothing over there to stink up the place.


Sounds as if you have a superb sub-axis!


Blue Ox

Holy farglesnot! Someone with a sniffer almost as good as mine! But if you're smelling horse or dog crap, you can bet there's a politician in the area.


My nearest neighbor is one mile north. I can hear his dogs barking on a north wind, but my horse barn is north of the house too!


Trae B.

well Bubba and Ox ya'll must not have read the wind charts right absolutly none of that will come out even if you left pinky toe aint painted neon green.oh yea only put two scoops of suger and at least one and a half of creamer in your cofee.oh yeas Ox was right try not to squeeze the charmin.

Trae B.

oh yea ifyou must squeeze the charmin make sure its new out of the pack,not used charmin.because if you squeeze used charmin youve got no chance of getting a deer or sleeping in the same bed as your wife or girlfriend.

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