Field Notes

2008 is almost in the books, and with it go all those goal-oriented lies I happily deluded myself into stating at this very time last year. I now have a fresh and unsullied set of lies ready to go. All I need is a good hangover cure, a few spoonfuls of black-eyed peas, a short-lived sense of purpose and optimism and a week or two in which to stave off reality.

To be honest I get a little melancholy this time of year because I know that January is the final gasp, the last fading exhalation of the season before the deep freeze of late winter sets in.

But hey, I've still got two weeks of bow season, a couple more weeks of duck season if the water stays open and the quail and pheasant are still out there mocking me. Plus, the good folks at Cabela's just sent me their official February survival kit. They may call it a spring fishing catalog, but that and a warm, cozy bathroom is all I need to make it through those long late-winter days.

Happy New Year's everyone, and may all your hopelessly optimistic and ultimately doomed New Year's resolutions come to fruition for at least one fleeting moment. 

I generally try to refrain from blogging too much on PETA because quite frankly the group's antics don't warrant that much attention. As animal-rights groups go PETA is much less a genuine threat than say, the Fund for Animals or the Humane Society of the United States.

Why? Because given a choice between misguided half-nekkid chicks holding placards on a sidewalk or a team of fully-clothed lawyers in a courtroom I'll take the nekkid chicks. Pranksterism and publicity stunts may make headlines; legal action is what influences policy.

Having said that, did anyone doubt PETA would let Burger King's new "Flame" scent for men slide by without a response?

Of course not. So now I present for your culinary and olfactory pleasure..."Gore" the enticing new scent from PETA.

If there is one object that personifies the overwhelming techno-infatuation that is the hallmark of modern living it is, of course, the cell phone. Never in the history of the world has an item so trivial and unnecessary for survival become so important to so many people so quickly as these little bits of eardrum crack. But of course I'm a misanthrope who never really saw the appeal of talking to other people in person, much less on a cell phone. I fully realize and sadly accept the fact that my point of view is a distinct minority and that for the overwhelming majority of humanity the cell phone is as essential an item as, say, the liver.
 
How else, in these tough economic times, could you explain this:  
 
From the story:
A few days ago, we wrote about how an iPhone application that makes farting noises, iFart Mobile, had reached the number one paid application spot in the App Store and was making the developer nearly $10,000 a day. Developer Joel Comm shared some updated data with us today and it blows the other numbers away (pun intended): Christmas Day saw 38,927 downloads of iFart Mobile, making Comm’s InfoMedia $27,249 in net income! Yes, nearly $30,000 in one day — from a $0.99 fart appFor those who couldn’t believe that a farting application could make nearly $10,000 as it did on December 22, or that it was a fluke, this has to be a huge wake up call. The following day, December 23, actually saw another 13,000+ downloads (and thus, another nearly $10,000 made), and Christmas Eve saw an incredible 19,520 downloads — netting $13,364 after Apple’s 30 percent cut. But the real gem is of course Christmas Day. As Comm says in his blog post, “I had a hunch that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day would be higher. How much higher was anyone’s guess. All I knew was that a lot of people would be getting iPhones and iPod Touch MP3 players on Christmas Day.” Indeed.
 
It's not exactly a Christmas scene straight out of a Rockwell print, is it? The youth of America wake up, rush to the Christmas tree and eagerly tear into brightly-wrapped gift boxes that contain not BB guns or fishing poles or other archaic and dangerous items but...a farting cell phone.
 
Personally, this is the only kind of cell phone I'm interested in any more. Go ahead, yak on it as loudly and obnoxiously wherever and for as long as you want. Who's going to complain? Certainly not some schmuck with a farting Iphone...