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April 28, 2008

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Home on the Range?

As you’re all aware, Hillary Clinton has become the Second Amendment’s Best Friend in the past few weeks; so much so, in fact, that she is thinking of opening a series of franchised shooting schools, starting in the Southwest—just in case things don’t work out in her current job. The trick to creating a successful franchise is to come up with something unique, and I have been contracted to provide ideas that would set these schools apart. Here are my ideas:

*All attendees will be flown in by C-47, which will make a corkscrew landing at the school airport.

*To create a realistic environment, recordings of imaginary sniper fire will be played at all times.

*All attendees will wear pantsuits.

*All attendees will run (or waddle, as the case may be) between classes to avoid imaginary sniper fire.

*When not actually engaged in classes, attendees will play pinochle.

*Attendees who are selected to shoot first in any class are entitled to whine about it.

*Female attendees whose husbands exhibit signs of incipient mental illness are entitled to a 20 percent discount.

That’s what I’ve come up with. What are your suggestions?


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All attendees must not be "some little woman, baking cookies and standing by her man like Tammy Wynette".

Unless you are Hillary, then your husband can have an intern play a tune on the flute and you will ignore that and live with the worldwide embarrassment so as not to derail your political aspirations.



How about free membership to the Sierra Club since they are about as two faced as Hillary! I have noticed their shameless pandering to hunters (green necks) on your blog site. Come on Dave...

While you are at it, give Kim Hiss free tuition so she can grovel at the feet of her ideal superhero Madam Hillary... For more details on this see her Huntress Blog...


Of course they will need to pass a thorough "instant background check", complete with photo ID, DNA sample, finger prints, proof of American citizenship, and financial records dating back to the Taft administration (if the billing records can be found) that may take until the coming of the next ice age since firearms are involved, in order to protect the innocent. There will also be appropriate licensing necessary as well as other "common sense approaches". Would Teddy Kennedy be available to teach a driving course as well? Don't forget to save a space for Ms. Pelosi.


* Only .12 caliber guns will be used.

* Range sessions will be limited to firing 10 rounds.

* Cigars are allowed at the range, but cannot be smoked.


* A blue dress IS a target.

Mike Diehl

Wtf does any of this have to do with hunting, shooting, &c?

Alex Gordon - no not that one

* Any attendee who uses the abbreviation "wtf" may be banned for life.

I do have to agree with Mike though, if you want to talk strictly politics start a new blog.

Then again, your blog's subtitle is "Rantings and Ravings from...." It isn't "A blog about hunting and shooting". So it leaves you leaway to talk, rant, rave, about whatever.

Mike Diehl

Yeah, but what's this a rant about? Angry reaction to things Hilary Clinton hasn't done but might do in an alternate universe if Hilary Clinton's brain was managed by Dave Petzal?

It's stooopid.


How is it possible that we live in a world where someone like her is even a passing consideration for President, let alone a runner??!! I really hope this country gets its heads out of the malls and wakes up.


Jeez, Mike Diehl, relax a little. It's ok to laugh once in a while.

Old Bull

"Group Therapy" will no longer be all about actual group size. Group hugs will prevail.....
Mike, of course this is all taking place in an alternate universe.......

Dr. Ralph

Imaginary weapons must of course be used and scores will not be kept so as to not damage any one's self-esteem... all attendees will receive expert marksman medals and green or black berets of their choosing... there will be no fee but a cash donation to a bank account in Switzerland or the Bahama's is mandatory. After hours get togethers will encourage interpersonal relations between same sex individuals and free T-shirt will be given in your choice of "Don't ask don't tell" or "choose death" errr... I mean "freedom of choice"!


All enrollee's will be taught to hunt banded ducks with a rifle. And when questioned about it will duck and cover from the imaginary sniper fire. And if that does not work will resort to tazering teenage kids who ask too many intelligent questions.

Del in KS

Don't forget you must have diversity. Nothing works well without deversity with free tuition for the disadvantaged and lazy. Don't forget to have free lead free bullets for them also haha.


I wanna go! I Wanna Go!! I didn't realize that Hitlery was going to teach classes on ducking sniper fire and "How To Shoot A Banded Duck With A Rifle." Sounds like more fun than hunkering down at home, clutching my Bible in one hand and my '06 in the other, being embittered.
However, I'm a leetle mite doubtful about that part where "interpersonal relations between same sex individuals," Are we not diverse enough to allow some Booth Babes to attend the Hitlery School of Expert Duck Marksmanship and Sniper Fire Ducking?


Lord, just please tell me it will be in england. that way can use the .12 caliber single shot duck air rifle that was designed for taking out imaginary snipers. I'm sure hitlery would bas as interested in booth babes as the rest of us guys.
The sad part of all this is I am going to one strange nightmare about all this. Thanks Dave.

Clay Cooper

The Range must be in a City Park, so those that get hit accidentally can be blamed as a suicide!

Dr. Ralph

crm30066 if I were Hitlery I would at least invite the Booth Babes to the Sniper Fire Ducking classes... just keep your head down girls.

Bernie Kuntz

I think the course ought to include a session with Hillary either on film or in person, telling students about her father teaching her to shoot. This could be followed by demonstrations by Hillary in loading and unloading firearms with various actions, then onto a discussion of cartridges, bullets, gauges, shot sizes, powders, optics...I am sure attendees could glean a "wealth" of information from the fine U.S. Senator!

Jim in Mo.

Hey Dave,
This is your third boring blog on Hillary and none on Obama..
If you choose to be P.C. (which I think is chicken s##t) then get back to guns and all things involved.

Ed J

City Park????
You mean swamp, so you can blame getting hit on one of those Banded Duck With A Rifle.

Trae B.

All paper targets or any target shall be checked for weapons so they cannot return fire at hillary, Because you know how good non-living things can shoot.And to show how much we think of her as a teacher we will teach her how to really run from sniper fire.

Clay Cooper

Lets not forget,

The training Centers

Ruby Ridge and WACO!


* All targets will be in the likeness of Vast Right-Wing Conspirators.

* Those taking shots at fast flying targets must use a rifle.

* A technical staff consisting of editors from the New York Times will be there to explain the function, design, and use of different types of firearms (i.e. the difference between a regular "sporting" musket and an "assault-style" musket).

* John Kerry will be available as the Official How-to-strike-a-heroic-looking-hunting-pose-while-not-having-a-clue-in-hell-how-to-actually-handle-a-firearm Instuctor.

* Platnium packages will be available in which the guests will stay in a cabin modeled exactly after the Lincoln Bedroom.

* The classes will be held at Yankee Stadium. She is a life-long fan afterall...

* Al Gore will be there to take regular atmospheric readings in order to assure that the use of large amounts of smokeless powder is not having adverse effects in global warming.

* At night, all shooters will gather around to hear Hillary's war stories along with Vietnam tales from John "Blood & Guts" Kerry, advice from Bill Clinton about how you can avoid going to war by constantly enrolling in but never joining an ROTC, and the ghost of Lyndon Johnson explaining how he earned his silver star.

* Remember Annie Oakley's famous trick shot of shooting the ashes off the end of a cigarette? Slight twist. Use a cigar instead, and as for the human humidor... well, I'll leave that up to your imagination :)


For unimaginitive types like myself, this is precious! Thanks Dave for the topic.

I honestly believe that we'll have four years to play with this. My gut feeling is that she's trying to maim BHO badly, so that, even though he wins the nomination, he loses in Nov. She then becomes the logical candidate in 2012. JSM will be 76 years old then.

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