David E. Petzal - The Gun Nut

Now that the new year is upon us and 2007 slinks off to its grave where it will begin to smell, it's time to take a look back at what really set us off, and what we had to say about it. The leader, of course, was Zumbogate, in which kindly old Jim Zumbo revealed that he was either Satan, or Satan's Spawn. However, he has since recanted and may no longer be Satan, or Satan's Spawn.

As for all the other things that made you mad, it's a rich and yeasty mix. So enjoy, and remember that we have a presidential election coming up, which should pretty well queer any hopes we have for '08 being a passable year. To update a quote that was fashionable in 1960 when John Kennedy ran against Tricky Dick Nixon, "Thank god they can't all win."

Top Five Most Commented Posts of 2007
ZUMBOMANIA Part I (951 comments) and Part II (585 comments)
The Great Crossbow Debate (918 comments)
Fred Thompson Answers My Questions (254 comments)
Stop It, You're Killing Me (249 comments)
Latest News Media Claim: U.S. Presidents Who Hunt Start Wars (213 comments)

Mike Toth, our Executive Editor, put me on to a small brochure called Gun Video. (What else would you call a booklet that advertises gun videos? Ralph?) But I digress. There are all sorts of interesting titles in here, but two in particular caught my eye.

One is called "Hot Shots; Hot Girls, Hot Guns," and shows ten topless girls shooting machine guns. The copy says, with disarming frankness, that "…some of the girls are a bit rough about the edges. But if this is what you're looking for, it's only a phone call away." Fair enough. I don't think I'll send for this one, but if Ms. Beau Garrett or Ms. Elisha Cuthbert ever shoot a machine gun topless, my order is on the way.

The second tape (actually, two tapes) is a bit harder to understand. To put it in perspective you should know that there are tapes for bored pussycats that show rodents hopping hither and thither. These tapes play for hours, and even the most jaded feline is mesmerized by them. What we have here is "Exploding Varmints, Part I and 2," which show 500 prairie dogs being reduced to the proverbial red mist. Now a cat is lower on the evolutionary scale than we are (or so I am told; I have my doubts) and I can understand one watching a rodent tape. Hell, a cat will look at the wall for hours. But I think that any Homo sapiens who can watch prairie dogs doing Mary Lou Rettons and Olga Korbuts 500 times should surrender his sapiens to the local police.

Aside from that, there are some very solid and valuable looking DVDs in here, and in case you're interested, you can all 800-942-8273; [email protected].

1. In April of 06, I was talking about bears with a British Columbia guide who claimed that grizzlies attack humans for territorial reasons, but that black bears do it as a means of obtaining dinner, and will actually stalk a choice two-legged morsel as does a puma.  I'd never heard this before, but today, I saw the same information in Jeff Cooper's Gunsite Gossip. So it must be true. However, I'm certain that the brown bear who nailed Timothy Treadwell was simply irritated beyond endurance.

2. I've often ranted about how the news media screws up any fact relating to guns, but they often fall far short when dealing with the military as well. Earlier this year, for example, in The New York Times, it referred to a soldier whose body had been shipped home from Iraq as having received the Combat Action Ribbon. No, sorry. The CAR is awarded to naval personnel and Marines. Soldiers who have been shot at get the Combat Infantry Badge. You see this stuff all the time. They do not know, and do not know that they do not know.

3. This is kind of far from guns, but I have to pass it along. Years ago I knew a Marine who served in World War II. He makes it home alive and is discharged at the Philadelphia Naval Yard. Now a civilian, although still in uniform, he leaves the Yard and whom does he see but the very Drill Instructor who broke his nose when he was a boot at Parris Island. He steps up and breaks the Drill Instructor's nose, introduces himself, and they both go off to have a beer and celebrate the end of the war.

1. GREATEST SINGLE ADVANCE IN RIFLE TECHNOLOGY IN THE PAST CENTURY: The synthetic stock. At last, a truly stable platform for a barreled action.

2. THE SINGLE EVENT MOST LIKELY TO DETERMINE IF WE HAVE GUNS AT THE END OF THIS CENTURY:  The Supreme Court deciding this June whether the right to keep and bear arms applies to militias or to individuals.

3. THE BEST U.S. MILITARY RIFLE: The M-1 Garand. George Patton called it "…the greatest battle implement ever devised," and it was our main infantry weapon in the last war we won. The M-16 has had a much longer active life, but the present version bears only a passing resemblance to the original, whereas the M-1 did its entire tour of duty nearly unchanged.

4. MOST WONDERFUL GUN IRONY: Audie L. Murphy, the most decorated U.S. serviceman of World War II, was required to take instruction in firearms handling before he was allowed to act in his first motion picture.

5. MOST DEPRESSING TREND IN HUNTING: The breakneck transition from acquiring skill to mastering technology.

6. BEST EXAMPLE OF WHY GUN CONTROL APPLIES ONLY TO LITTLE PEOPLE: In June 1988, in the suburbs of Washington, D.C., long-time Washington Post columnist and rabid anti-gunner Carl Rowan shot a youthful intruder in his back yard, wounding him slightly in the wrist. The .22 handgun Rowan used was unregistered. Rowan's trial resulted in a hung jury and he was never re-tried.

7.  MOST LOATHSOME TREND AMONG WEALTHY BIG-GAME HUNTERS: Having a third-rate artist do a portrait of them with their favorite dead animal, usually killed with the help of a large supporting cast.

8. LEAST CONVINCING POLITICAL MASQUERADE IN A YEAR NOTED FOR SHUCK AND JIVE  Mitt Romney, who has spent his entire political career supporting gun control, joined the NRA in August, 2006. Romney, who described himself as a lifelong hunter, admitted to going on two hunts when pressed for details.

1. THE MOST REVOLUTIONARY MODERN RIFLE:  The Remington Nylon Model 66 (1959). The Model 66 was an autoloader whose stock was made from a plastic called Zytel. It was like nothing that had come before but, unlike most radically different guns, which have terrible flaws, this one was absolutely terrific.
      
2. FINEST HANDGUN: The Korth. There is a double-action Korth revolver and a double-action auto, both made to a standard that is unattainable by all but the insane or by Germans; in this case, the latter. The guns cost so much that prices are not listed. If you buy one, will you be able to lord it over everyone else? Of Korth.
      
3. FINEST AMERICAN RIFLE:  The Winchester Model 86. This big lever-action was chambered for black-powder cartridges and is, as a piece of machinery, the best thing the United States ever sent out a factory door. Its complex mechanism is built with the precision of a watch.

4. COUPLE THAT HAS DONE THE MOST FOR THE SHOOTING INDUSTRY'S BOTTOM LINE: Bubba and Hillary. Clintonphobia has sold more guns, ammo, primers, high-capacity magazines, and AR-15s than you can shake a balance sheet at.
      
5. GREATEST SPOKESMAN FOR GUN OWNERS' RIGHTS: The Late Harlon Carter. With all respect to Charlton Heston, no one ever made jokes about Harlon. He was the founder of the NRA's Institute for Legislative Action and served as its Executive Director for its first two years. Carter was an orator, and a force. I once saw him send a whole roomful of anti-gun reporters slinking from a press conference like whipped dogs.
      
6. SINGLE BEST CARTRIDGE FOR HUNTING ALL NORTH AMERICAN GAME: The .338 Winchester Magnum. Loads of power, and finesse when you need it.

7. THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY FOR A BIG-GAME HUNTER:  Patience.
      
8. THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY FOR A GOOD SHOT: Self-control.